i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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