I'm so fucking centered right now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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