I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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