when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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