that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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