Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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