if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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