im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
hell yes lets make some ravioli
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
