I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
