Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
