Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
