I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
