woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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