It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
