Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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