I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
