we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
