Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
