I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
