so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
