Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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