I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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