No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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