I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
