You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
