he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We left the knife in your bed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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