So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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