Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
