I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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