I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
