i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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