Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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