Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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