WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
