I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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