She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
