You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
