Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
