I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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