He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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