I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
