if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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