Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
