I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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