i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
