I just cut my nipple shaving
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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