i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
