Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
