Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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