it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
