I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
