sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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