areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
